Sept 23, 2015: 37 years and no longer counting

Quince.

This is the blog post I've dreaded writing, but the time has come. On the morning of Sept. 23, exactly 37 years after I met my husband, he passed away peacefully after a brief illness.

The thing I will miss the most about him - and thing that he kept to the very end - was his quirky sense of humor.

Even when he was in the emergency room, he joked with the nurses. Someone asked if I was his wife, and he said, "No, that's my girlfriend. Don't tell my wife!"

I was legally his wife, for sure, but in my heart we were still boyfriend and girlfriend, in our carefree 20's, and deeply in love.

He once told me that it was his goal to make me laugh every day. He certainly did made me laugh a lot. Sometimes it was a little snort, sometimes it was a giggle, sometimes it was an eye-rolling groan. And sometimes it was a howler, where I splorted and laughed and giggled and had to catch my breath from laughing so hard.

One of the last howlers was when I served him a freshly-made slice of pie and as he was eating it he asked what it was. I told him it was a peach and quince pie.

He paused just a second or two, tilted his head, poked at the pink-colored fruit in the pie, and said, "So, this is a quince-idence?"

Bake for 214,560 minutes ... and it's DONE

The total number of days between Thursday, September 6, 2012 and Saturday, February 2, 2013 is 149 days. If you prefer to think in weeks, that's 21 weeks and two days.

Or, you could say it's 4 months and 27 days.

149 days is 3,576 hours or 214,560 minutes or 12,873,600 seconds.

Why am I telling you this?

Because if my husband is released from the rehab hospital on schedule - on February 2 - this coming Saturday - that will be how long he has been in the hospital. Or, more accurately three different hospitals.

Almost five months. Nearly half of a year.

It felt like a lifetime, but he doesn't remember much of it. He has asked me not to tell him the details until he gets safely home, and then we will talk. And we will start our new life together as he continues to build up his strength and gain back some of the weight he lost.

It's going to be difficult for a while. There might be some re-arranging of furniture. Some re-arranging of our schedules. Some re-arranging of our roles because now I'm the strong one - physically - and he's going to have to trust me not to let him fall. And he's got to be willing to ask for help, and that might be the hardest thing of all.

It sure as heck was hard for me.

But I also think that we have a renewed appreciation for each other. Just today, he told me that he appreciates that I didn't give up on him and just walk away. And I appreciate that he clawed his way back to health and that he's working on rehab like he's training for the Olympics.

He's still got more rehab to go - probably at an outside facility rather than in-home. We both agreed that going out would be preferable, since a rehab gym would have more equipment available, but with in-home work, it would be limited to whatever the therapist could bring in.

And going out will be good for him. Walking to the car, getting in and out of the car, walking from the car to the gym. All very normal things. All very challenging right now.

Of course, there will be exercises at home. Practice on stairs. Walking. Standing. Reaching. Getting used to living at home again.

Even now, there are some naysayers who insist that Bob will never be normal again - that he won't be able to do the things he used to do. That his life will be forever changed.

Okay, I might agree that things will be changed. We lost five month of "normal" time together. That changed us. But not necessarily in a bad way.

Maybe he won't want to climb a ladder to clean the gutters, or maybe he won't be able to lift as much weight as he used to. But those things are inconsequential. And just maybe with enough rehab, he will gain back his strength, and then some. He might emerge on the other side of rehab in better shape than before.

Meanwhile, he's underweight. I can fix that. His hair is thin and wispy and his fingernail look ... strange ... no doubt because of lack of nutrition. His hair will probably come back. And if not, so what? His fingernails are already growing better. Seriously, if his fingernail looked forever wonky, who would care? He's not a hand model. His voice is a little raspy, but it's getting better day by day.

But his sense of humor is completely intact. And that's really, really, really important to me.

Despite what the doom-and-gloomers said, he has beaten the health issues. He is breathing room air, and doesn't even need oxygen when he's doing the rehab work. He no longer needs the feeding tube, and it will be removed soon and that little wound will heal up just as well as the surgical wound and the hole in his throat where the trach tube used to be.

Despite those negative people, we do not need a vast array of medical equipment at home. We do not need a hospital bed, or an oxygen tank or fancy monitoring equipment. He will come home with a walker, and a shower bench is recommended. We might rent or borrow a wheelchair just for convenience. And that's it. Nothing earth-shatteringly expensive or complicated. He won't need nursing care or tests or injections or monitors or wound care or tube feeding. He will be himself, but a little weak. He will get better.

The important thing is that I will have him home, to cuddle up to and talk to and confide in and laugh with. Our lives will be normal enough. I won't have to drive to a facility to visit with him, and I won't be home alone all day.

Of course, I will also be able to cook for him, and that makes me positively giddy.

This will probably be the last post about Bob's health, but I'm sure you'll be reading a LOT about what he's eating.

Won't that be fun?

Here are most relevant previous posts about my husband:

Sept. 10 - Cooking has been put on hold
Sept 13 - Over one Hurdle, Surgery is Done
Sept 16-  It's my birthday, and I'll steal posts if I want to
Sept. 24 - 34 Years and Still Counting
Oct. 17 - The Single Worse Day of My Life
Oct. 28 - Why I'm not giving away Snickers for Halloween

There were quite a few other posts that mentioned him in a sentence or two, but the ones above are the main posts. If you want to see all the mentions, a search for "hospital" in this blog will find all of them for you.

Thanks to everyone who supported us, comforted us, cheered us up, and cheered for us. Without all of you, I don't think I would have made it through the past five months with my sanity intact. I love all of you!

When I'm ready to let Bob cook ...

This is a Sponsored post written by me on behalf of Boar's Head. All opinions are 100% mine.

It's hard to believe, but my husband - who has been in the hospital since September 6 - has just been cleared to eat anything he likes. Anything. No need for soft foods or small pieces. He can have anything. And now we're starting to talk about him coming home soon.

And I'm starting to think about what I'm going to cook for him. I can't wait to stuff him with home made food.

But I'm also thinking about what Bob can cook for himself. Because I'm sure there's going to come a time when he's going to want to fix a snack or lunch for himself.

And when I say "cook for himself" I mean "what can he fix to eat that doesn't require heat, fire, or sharp objects?"

Sandwiches fit the bill pretty well. But here's the deal. We don't eat a lot of processed foods in general, and if he's making sandwiches for himself, I'd like them to be made from good-quality products. A little less sodium would be nice.

Since we don't eat a lot of processed products, I think we're doing a good job managing sodium consumption. I don't want to start bringing in all sorts of salty products, but I want the food to taste good. If it's got no flavor, no one's going to be happy. So I thought it was a great opportunity to be able to try some of Boar's Head lower sodium deli meats and cheeses and see if I'd want to buy them for Bob when he gets home.

I picked up three different Boar's Head items - the Black Forest Lower Sodium Smoked Ham, the Lower Sodium Roasted Turkey, and Lower Sodium Bologna.

Of the three of them, I liked the bologna the least. But it wasn't the fault of the product, it was the fault of the store - they sliced the bologna thin and didn't remove the plastic casing. I didn't realize the casing was on it, and it was a bit unpleasant. Next time, I'll check to make sure the plastic is off.

The flavor of the bologna was good, and I have to say that I didn't miss the salt. Boar's Head says the salt isn't needed because the meat is better qualtiy so it doesn't need a lot of enhancements.

The turkey was pretty good. It wasn't like lunchmeat-turkey, it was more like actual roast turkey that was juicy and flavorful. This is something I could see buying for sandwiches or maybe even for recipes. A thick slice could be cut into cubes and used for things like fried rice or maybe a stir-fry or taco filling..

The ham was actually my favorite. It was a little sweet and - hey, how about this - not overly salty. Some deli hams taste overly salty to me. I'm fine with that on rare occasions, but if sandwiches start being a regular for lunch, I think I'd prefer this less-salty version.

This is the first time I've tried Boar's Head products, and I was pleasantly surprised. And the array of mustards caught my eye - I'm bit of a mustard fiend. I'll have to check those out anothr time.

So, tell me, are you concerned about sodium? Are you looking for lower-sodium alternatives? Have you tried Boar's Head products? Do you have a favorite?

Happy New Year! Looking back, looking forward.

Not a top-5 post, but I loved these eggs.

This year has been full of ups and downs. You might know that my husband went into the hospital on September 6, and you might have read about his progress.

On December 20 - after 15 weeks in ICU in the hospital - he was transferred to a rehab hospital.

This is good news because it means his medical issues are mostly solved. He's still weak and underweight and his muscles have atrophied from such a long time in bed. He's got a long way to go before he gets home. But we're headed in a good direction.

While the past few months have been stressful, I've become a more positive person. The support I got from everyone - online and in-person - has been amazing. I know that whatever happens, whatever new crisis I might face, there are people who've got my back.

I've also learned to let minor annoyances roll right past me. Since I have bigger things to worry about, the little things don't really matter as much. And that's a really good thing.

On the blogging front, December was my best traffic month ever, and I reached a milestone number of page views. That's something to celebrate.

Out of the five 2012 posts that got the most page views, four were bread-like items. Interestingly, there were a few posts from 2011 that ranked high in terms of page views in 2012 - an egg foo yung recipe from 2011 came in at #5 and a technique post about the proper temperature for yeast in breadmaking showed up as #6.

Leaving out those two posts from 2011, my top five posts were:

5) Bird in the Hand - bird-shaped buns.

4) Croissants made for Julia Child's birthday event.

3) Bunny Bread - one of my favorite bread critters.

2) We're Going Molecular, a recipe for spherified honey.

And the number one post for 2012 was:
 Biscuits! Biscuits! Biscuits!
A recipe from a cookbook by Nathalie Dupree and Cynthia Graubart

As far as what's coming, I'm looking forward to this new year. I'm hoping that soon my husband will be able to eat again (he's on a feeding tube right now .... sigh ... ) but we're hopeful it won't be long before he's strong enough to eat on his own. Maybe that will prompt some interesting pureed soup recipes.

Other than that, I have a few tricks up my sleeve for 2013. It should be a good year. And I'll be bringing all of you with me.

I'm not making resolutions or setting big goals because I know that much of my life will revolve around my husband's health and recovery.And that's not something I can plan, predict, or control. All I can do is try to keep calm and try to make life as normal as possible. And I think I can do that.

Thanks to everyone who has made these past few months so good for me. You know who you are.

If you haven't read my previous posts about my husband's condition, you can catch up here:

http://www.cookistry.com/2012/09/cooking-has-been-put-on-hold.html
http://www.cookistry.com/2012/09/over-one-hurdle-surgery-is-done.html
http://www.cookistry.com/2012/09/thirty-four-years-and-going-strong.html

http://www.cookistry.com/2012/10/the-single-worst-day-of-my-life.html

Why I'm not giving away Snickers for Halloween

Mmmmm ... cookies. Made with peanut butter cups.

A few weeks ago, my husband had his big "turnaround" moment in the hospital. After weeks of little or no improvement, and a sudden decline, he suddenly started getting better.

It took me a while longer to accomplish my own turnaround. But it happened.

My turnaround wasn't a health issue, but one of attitude. It took me quite a while to realize that the guy who drove himself to the doctor wasn't going to get well as fast as he got sick.

You see, all those weeks on the ventilator and under sedation meant that he wasn't moving. When you don't move, your muscles get weak. And it takes them longer to come back than it takes to lose them.

I saw how far my husband had to go to recover, and I saw how slowly he was recovering, but it took me a while to accept that it would be many months before he came home.

I mean, I even told people it would be months - but I didn't hear it that way. In my mind, it felt like he was going to walk through the door any minute.

Who's this? You'll see ,,,

The breakthrough came when I realized I was planning things with parenthesis. Every thought had (When Bob comes home) attached to it. And then one day I realized that I couldn't put everything off until he came home.

It didn't make sense to wait until he could discuss things with me, either, because his priority is to get better, not to worry about whether I find a cheaper car insurance company or whether I should eat all the cheese before he has a chance to sample it.

And frankly, some days he's just confused. It happens to people who stay in the ICU for a long time. He's in no position to be making decisions. I knew I had to adjust; it just took me some time to be comfortable with this "new normal."

This is Dax.

I mean, I got through the hardest decision so far - to put down our aged and ailing dog, Dax - without talking to him first. Bob still doesn't know about Dax because I don't want to tell him any bad news until he's healthy enough to deal with it. And that might be a while.

The next thing I decided wasn't a big deal. Or maybe it was. I guess it depends on how you look at it. This is the sort of thing where, if Bob was here with me, he would say, "if that's what you want to do, then do it."

But it still felt strange to move ahead without talking to him about it.

You see, after I put Dax down, I thought it might be okay to live dogless. But that didn't last long. The house grew to mammoth size, echo-y and empty. Every little noise made me jumpy. I was achingly lonely, particularly at night. I slept worse than ever. I hated getting up and I hated coming home and I hated going to bed.

Meet Snickers.

So, I went to the Humane Society to test my emotional readiness to bring a dog back into my life. And then I brought home The Dog Formerly Known as Madison.

She is four years old, housebroken, polite, and crate trained. She knows "sit," and a few other useful commands, and is past the destructive chewy stage of her life and she is far from the elderly sickly stage.

Wanna play?

Since she was from the shelter, she was very inexpensive, and considering the food that the shelter gave me and the food left over from the previous dog, she's going to cost nothing to feed for quite some time.

I also have dog treats, toys, pillows, bowls, dog beds, leashes, and all the paraphernalia necessary to care for her for a long time.

Since my previous dogs were large and Snickers is small (20 pounds) most of that paraphernalia is a bit over-sized, but she doesn't seem to mind that her bed is roomy and her pillow is ginormous.

Happy-happy-happy!

She listens when I talk. And this is important, because I talk a lot when I'm home alone. Now, I'm talking to the dog, and that's normal. Before, I was talking to myself, and that's mental.

She is quiet. Unlike a lot of small dogs, she doesn't bark much, and she's not hyperactive. She fits perfectly on my lap, and I can pick her up and carry her if need be.

Dog yoga. How can this be comfortable?

Since I brought her home, my productivity has actually increased as my mood has improved. I don't dread getting up in the morning to start the day, I'm not creeped out when I come home, and I sleep better at night.

But what to name her? Madison didn't seem to fit. That was the name given to her at the shelter, but since she was a stray, it wasn't a name she recognized. It didn't matter if I re-named her.

I toyed with all sorts of names, like Gadget (because I like gadgets) or Grace or Karma because it fits this time of my life.

But somehow those names didn't seem fair - they were about me, not about her. Snickers (the candy) is one of my "comfort" foods, and Snickers (the dog) is sweet and nutty and comforting and energizing, just like a bite-size Snickers bar. And her colors remind me of the candy. And you can't help but smile when you say "Snickers."

I think the name fits her. And I KNOW she fits my life perfectly right now.

Bob doesn't know about Snickers yet, but that's because I haven't told him about Dax. When that time comes and I tell him about Dax, I'm sure he'll be more than happy that I brought Snickers into our home to keep me company.

I mean really, it's so much better than bringing home a boyfriend, right?

Just a few maintenance items ...

Watching TV. So intent.

The one major thing I decided (for me, anyway) is that I need to stop being so ... stressed ... about having a fresh post every single day. It's not good for me, and it's not good for the blog.

When I'm back to my usual writing, there will be weekly posts about bread, gadgets, and Whole Foods recipes, because I write those for other sites. There will be articles republished from my newspaper column and Fooducopia, as well, if I'm running at full speed. That's about four days a week of fresh content. Some weeks, that might be all I post, and other weeks there could be more. I'd like to try for five each week ... but we'll see.

There also might be more sponsored posts and paid videos and product reviews and sidebar ads, because if I can make a few extra dollars from this blog, I'm going to do that. I won't hawk products I dislike, and I'll always have a lot more un-sponsored than sponsored.

And even the sponsored posts will be honestly "me" and not a bunch of PR stuff. So don't worry about this blog becoming a billboard for anyone who pays. I'll still be selective, and I'll still be honest with you about everything I write. And I'll tell you when something is sponsored. No secrets, I promise.

And while I will continue to update you on my husband's condition and my life events, I'm going to try to keep these to a minimum. After all, this is a food blog.

And now for the FOOD

Wanna know what to do with your left over Halloween candy? Like I said at the top of the post, I won't be giving away Snickers. But I probably will buy Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. And with the leftovers, I might make two-ingredient cookies.

I was skeptical the first time I made them, but it really worked. That's the photo you see up at the top of this post.

Check out THIS POST for the recipe.